Tylor's Cookie Guide

Cookies should always be wonderful, and it always baffles me that they so frequently are not. Their chemistry and our biology should ensure that they are always amazing. What are three of the most important things that we need to make stuff taste good? Sugar, fat and salt. That's essentially cookies right there, with a few things cut in to give them substance and flavor. You don't even need to cook the damn things and they're delicious.

How can you mess that up? Part of the problem is that I think people try to make things too complicated or too cute or healthy. To prevent this, here are my guildelines to guaranteed good cookies, followed by a set of links to failsafe recipes that I use. I've listed my own modifications if you want to be extra naughty:

The Guidelines:

1. NO healthy substitutions are permitted. Be honest with yourself. If you were really concerned about your health or getting rid of that stubborn belly fat, you wouldn't be eating cookies in the first place, so why not actually enjoy them? Applesauce is no more a substitute for butter than gravel is a substitute for chocolate chips. Many of these items are chemically necessary for your cookies to behave properly - this is why you don't cut out milk or eggs from a recipe that calls for both. Frankly you should know better. Avocados for butter? Get out of my kitchen!

2. Remember the key acronym: ATM. No, not that version. Nor the other one. Always Trust the Mormons. The Mormon church, in its cruel wisdom is always attempting to harness the white hot sexual energy surging through its adolescent children and divert it towards aprurient activities. For boys, this means sports and random violence.  For girls, they prefer activities that will ostensibly  help prepare them for marriage. Like baking. Or knitting. Or scrapbooking. Anyways, if you've ever eaten cookies made by a Mormon friend you'd know what I'm talking about. They're glorious.

3. Don't leave the kitchen. Timing and temperature are two additional keys to making your food taste good, so it does you no good if you're dicking around on your computer, not realizing that your oven is actually 20 degrees too hot and your soft oatmeal cookies are now chipboard. Our oven is so terrible that it's actually impossible to predict how hot the interior will be at any given moment, so this is doubly important for me.

4. Use baking paper. It's way easier and more effective than silicon sheets, which don't crisp the bottom properly.

5. Halve the recipes. Most of them are made for large families of doughy, inert children and you'll wind up with more cookies than you can conscionably dispose of.

Here are a few excellent recipes for your run of the mill cookies. I've tried all of these, so if they turn out poorly, it's probably your fault:

Oatmeal Raising Cookies - I added about a teaspoon and a half of cinnamon, a dash of clove, a bit more salt and twice the vanilla.

Lemon Cookies - A contest winner from among Mormon bakers. No bullshit, these are good. No mods needed.

Chocolate Chip Cookies - A good basic recipe that doesn't skimp on the vanilla.

Also Chocolate Chip Cookies - A more advanced recipe that is amazing.

Snickerdoodles - This is a heavyweight among sugar cookies. Always use the butter only recipes, half-crisco has half the flavor. Add some almond extract if you want to blow some minds.

That should do you. Peanut Butter cookies have been left off because I don't make them a lot since peanut butter is pricey and bad here. I also do a great chocolate cookie, but you may as well make brownies.

Cheers. 

Murgh Makhani: Butter Chicken: Pretty Much What it Sounds Like PLUS garam masala recipe

Curry is really not a summer food. It takes a lot of time to get your mise en place in order, which you should be doing anyways, but more importantly, it's terribly hot here in Beirut in the summer. Miserably hot. I'm from Arizona, and I think I'd prefer hell to Beirut in August since I hear it's a dry heat.

But since our friend Dylan made it into town this week, we thought we'd have him over to celebrate his arrival and to obviate the need to go out, which is expensive and terrible and usually not plausible with a 2 year old. The butter chicken, in contrast, was delicious and pretty cheap. Someone calculated the cost of the naan as $.16 a serving, which is reasonable even for a cheapskate such as myself.

For those of you who don't have Dora (a part of town where the domestic workers congregate on Sundays with great Filipino and Sri Lankan food) a mere 10 minute bus ride away, spices may be problematic. Fenugreek leaves are amazing, but good luck finding them. I make my own garam masala because I have a spice grinder and lots of weird whole spices, but you can use generic "curry powder" if you really want. It'll taste different, but that's not always bad. Mine is a Punjabi inspired sort.

Try making the naan, it's well worth it. Otherwise, serve this with basmati and you'll be very happy with the results. It's less "authentic" than some recipes, more authentic than most, but it tastes really freaking good.

Garam Masala Ingredients

5 green cardamoms
6 black cardamoms
4" of cinnamon stick
1/8 cup whole cumin
1/4 cup whole coriander seeds
2 bay leaves (I stem and vein them)
1 tbsp peppercorns
1 tbsp turmeric
1 tbsp paprika
1 tsp fenugreek
1 1/2 tsp dry ginger
1/8 tsp nutmeg

Step 1: Put in a spice grinder and blend. Make sure it's a grinder you'll never use for coffee, these tastes will not be coming out of it anytime soon.

Murgh Makhani Ingredients
8 boneless skinless chicken thighs
1 1/2 large onions
5 ripe red tomatoes, skinned, cored and seeded
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes
1/3 cup red bell pepper
2 inch piece of ginger minced finely or turned to paste
6 garlic cloves, minced finely
2 tbsp fresh cilantro/coriander leaves chopped
juice of 1 lemon
5 cashews powdered
2 cups water
1/3 cup cream
2 tbsp butter
2 tbsp cooking oil
salt

Spices and herbs:
1 tsp turmeric
1/2 tbsp garam masala
2 bay leaves
1/2 tbsp dried fenugreek leaves
1 tsp fenugreek
1/2 tbsp ground coriander
1 tbsp muscovado or other poorly processed sugar

Step 1:
Marinate the chicken in the juice of 1 lemon and some salt for about 30 minutes. While this is going on, prep your vegetables and skin, seed and blend your tomatoes with the crushed tomato.

Step 2:
Heat the oil in a deep pan on medium high until very hot, then put in your chicken thighs. Let them brown violently on both sides, then remove and put on a plate.

Step 3:
Turn down the heat to medium and melt the butter, then add your onions and red peppers. If you're using sriracha, you don't need the peppers, but they add a nice flavor. Sweat the onions until they're clear.

Step 4:
Add the garlic and ginger pastes, stirring frequently

Step 5:
Add your sugar/spice mixture and stir to combine.

Step 6:
Add the tomato mixture and stir to combine, then add salt. Your kitchen should smell glorious by now.

Step 7:
Add the water, then cover and cook on low heat for about 15 minutes. Now might be a good time to get going on your naan and rice.

Step 8:
Remove the bay leaves and blend your chunky curry into a fine paste using a stick blender or a blender/food processor. Add the cashews, return the bay leaves  and the chicken, cover and let simmer on low for another 20 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent burning on the bottom of the pan.

Step 9:
when everything is the proper consistency (gravy-like), turn off the heat and add your cilantro and cream, stirring to combine. Cover and let rest for about 5 minutes, then serve next to rice and naan with a cilantro garnish. 

Smoky Gazpacho: Because Why Not?

Gazpacho has always been a hard sell for me. In part because it contains every single thing I hated as a child,  and also because cold soup? This all changed after I bought a pint of salsa at Rosa's in Tucson, which is the best Mexican restaurant in town and of course it does not give you diarrhea, and discovered that I had forgotten to pick up chips upon arriving at home. Undaunted, I wound up drinking the whole tub of salsa straight from the cup. Since gazpacho is basically salsa with a few European modifications, I figured I could live with it if it was ever pushed on me.

I actually became a fan of the soup in 2010 on a trip to Barcelona, when I tried watermelon gazpacho in a desperate attempt to ward off scurvy after a week of crummy bar food. After dabbling with cherry gazpacho in a nice little cafe in Gerona I was hooked. 

This soup is great. It costs about $4 to make, you probably have some of the ingredients on hand, and it is tasty. One major disadvantage is that it's tough to make it a meal since it's basically just blended vegetables, so you might have to get creative with your condiments to stretch it. 

Note: You can add garnishes if you want to kick up the flavor a bit. If you want more Mexicany, add cilantro, but basil is also pretty great.

 The worchestershire seems weird, but it really works. The Romans had a seasoning they used for everything called garam, which was largely fermented fish (an ingredient in worchestershire sauce). Why is this important? Because fermented fish is how they derive MSG, a flavor enhancer! Do it, it's worth it. 

RECIPE

2 1/2 pounds of ripe roma tomatoes, skinned, and gutted

juice from aforementioned tomatoes

2 red onions

1 cucumber

2 small red peppers

1-2 garlic cloves

2/3 cup olive oil

3 tbsp good balsamic vinegar (a rich red wine might do if you want to get creative)
1/2 tbsp worchestershire sauce

juice of 1 1/2 limes

1 tbsp smoked paprika or chipotle powder

salt to taste (a lot)

Garnish

avocado 

cilantro or basil

Croutons

1 loaf of French bread or baguette

1 tbsp smoked paprika or chipotle powder

1/8 tsp pepper

olive oil

basil or Mexican oregano

Step 1: 

Boil water and prep another bowl of ice water. Cut out the stems into the tomato to remove some of the core, then throw the tomatoes in the boiling water for about 20 seconds, rotating them to make sure they are evenly heated. Pull them out and toss them into the ice water immediately and let 'em cool. The skin should peel right off. 

Step 2: 

Squeeze the tomato guts into a strainer and catch the juice in a bowl. 

Step 3: 

Chop all the vegetables roughly and add them to a blender along with the oil, vinegar, lime juice, tomato juice and spices. Blend and cool in the fridge overnight. 

Crouton Recipe

Step 1:

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Cut the French loaf into slices and tear them into chunks, keeping them as fluffy as possible.

Step 2:  

Put them in a bowl and pour olive oil down the sides and toss the bread to coat it, then slowly add the spices and try to cover uniformly. 

Step 3: 

Toast them until they're crusty and hard with no sponginess. 

That's it. 

Chicken Pasta in Bianco - the SO CALLED Alfredo Sauce

First, did you know there's such a thing as the "Umami Information Center?" It's predictably amateurish and is clearly the project of specialists with terrible social skills and the dating lives of eunuchs. Pity them. 

Second, I'll admit the title of this post is mysteriously inflammatory - at least if you consider the unnecessary capitalization of words to be the visual equivalent of raising your voice indignantly, as opposed to underlining, which connotes severity, bolding, which is to make a point, and italicizing, which is subtly prurient or merely identifying that something is written in another language. I have faith that my readership can tell the two apart.

There is actually little reason for controversy over the (SO CALLED) Alfredo sauce - it was "invented" by Alfredo Di Lelio for his restaurant, Alfredo, in Rome in 1914. The "Alfredo" was in reference to his restaurant/his name/his ego and had little to do with the actual ingredients, which were fabulously minimal. The original recipe was (pause a moment): fettuccine + butter + Parmesan cheese, which was tossed while the pasta was still hot and moist, allowing the melted butter and the cheese to form a smooth white sauce that evenly coated the noodles. I've never had it, but it (and its descendant in his follow-up venture, Il Vero Alfredo) is reputed to have been quite tasty by the types of assholes who write travel guidebooks. 

Of course, white sauces made of Parmesan cheese and butter had existed before Alfredo's fortuitous combination, and are still generally just called "in bianco". In fact, before the importation of the tomato and pepper a short few centuries ago, there wouldn't have been a lot of options other than cheese, herbs and oil of some sort (see pesto), so take that "invention" line as skeptically as you wish. 

My main problem with Alfredo's recipe is that it's terribly boring conceptually and I can't exactly write up a blog post telling people to just mix cheese and butter. It'd take seconds and, (admit it), you'd never read me again. Even the Pinterest crowd would spit on me. 

You may also notice that I fail to mention any sort of roux here. Although the combination of flour and butter that forms the base of so many amazing dishes and sauces is generally indispensable, I've actually dispensed with it here to let the other flavors shine as they may. Seriously, it won't need a thickener, and roux based white sauces tend to be kind of pasty and filling. Yes, this is actually the light  version. 

So, in the interest of keeping you impressed with me, I've complicated the recipe a bit, but it's really, really worth it. 

A warning (see above): 

Use boneless-skinless chicken thighs (see above...) for this recipe. First, when you brown them, they're fattier and release the oils that you're going to use to flavor your sauce. Plus, bits stick to the pan, get hard and taste like bacon cracklins. You're welcome. 

You'll also want to prepare the ingredients beforehand so you'll have them ready to go at the appropriate moment. If the butter is burning and you're still chopping onions, shame on you (see above). 

A suggestion: 

Why not saute some mushrooms to go with it too? Or bacon. Bacon. Bacon (see above). 

Another suggestion: 

This pairs well with wine. But make it something heavy enough to handle the cheeses.   

INGREDIENTS

4 boneless skinless chicken thighs, thawed 

olive oil 

salt 

pepper

lemon wedge

Fettuccine or Spaghetti noodles

1/4 c minced shallot or onion

3 crushed garlic cloves 

1/2 c butter

1/3-1/2 c light cream

1/2 c milk 

3/4 c shredded Parmesan cheese (off the block is best, not the powdered stuff) 

1/4 c Keshkaval/Romano/Provolone, etc. (something with a bit of umami to it - admittedly, the website dedicated to promoting "umami" does a terrible job of explaining it - just make sure the cheese is a bit funky)

salt

pepper

The Chicken:

Step 1: 

Heat a large flat bottomed (saute) pan on medium high heat until it's quite toasty (if you have a coated pan, this may not be a good idea since you'll burn off your non-stick surface), then add olive oil and salt. I salt the oil to ensure my meat is uniformly seasoned.  

Step 2: 

Add the chicken to the oil once it heats, spreading out the thighs with your spatula or fork or anything other than your hand for Christ's sake and let them brown nicely without fiddling with them too much. Add the pepper and a squeeze of lemon juice on them towards the end and let them cook a bit to form a crust and make your pan look like a nightmare. 

When they're done, (firm, not spongey), put them on a plate and set aside. Hopefully there's a bunch of brown gunk stuck on the bottom of the pan, which you'll want for your sauce - but you can also scrape up a bit of it as a garnish (again, it tastes like bacon!) 

Let the pan cool a bit. 

The Pasta:

Start boiling water with some salt and olive oil. Begin cooking the pasta early, but remember you'll need it just past al dente so keep an eye on it. Hopefully it'll finish at roughly the same time as the sauce. Drain it when it's done, salt  and add a bit of olive oil to keep it from forming a Gordian pasta knot. 

The Sauce

Make the sauce last. Why? Because I said so dammit. Also, because you want the sauce hot and not all congealed on the bottom of the pan when you plate up. 

Step 1: 

Heat the pan on medium heat with all of the residual the olive oil, salt, lemon juice, pepper, and chicken crud, then add the butter and deglaze the pan a bit (scrape it to dislodge the crud and dissolve it into the butter). The butter will take on a golden hue, at which point you toss in the finely minced shallot and cook for about 30 seconds until they soften a bit. Now add the garlic and cook for another 30 seconds, trying to keep it from burning. 

Step 2: 

Turn down the heat a bit, then add in the cream, stirring to mix it, then immediately add the cheeses. Stir until they are melted, then add the milk until the mixture is smooth. 

Step 3:

Crack some pepper over the top and salt it if it needs it (it shouldn't, but you don't want to underseason your food). Fresh parsley is a nice touch, if you're so inclined. 

Plate it up with the pasta on bottom, sauce next, then the chicken, thinly sliced over the top. Seriously, this is damn good and really easy to make. 

Cauliflower Pizza Crust: Or Why Pinterest Will Destroy Us All

I'm going to try to keep this relatively short today since I have little time and I'm actually much more interested in posting about my awesome lentil soup, and my equally awesome stick blender.

However, since cauliflower crust seems to be a current Pinterest star, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon to make vicious unprovoked attacks on the people who have already posted about this before me - all of whom made tonight's dinner possible. For the record, I hate Pinterest. I joined it a long time ago to share my bad attitude with other people through my cruel and misanthropic "Stupid Shit People Post on Pinterest" board, which has probably made people cry. But it's okay, because it's the internet and I don't know them. Right?

Don't get me wrong, I love the taste of cauliflower and it's got all sorts of wonderful antioxidants (plus nicotine!) that make consuming it much more nutritiously rewarding than the the savory, soft, crisp yet yielding crust that usually bears my pizza toppings. However, Pinterest has two primary flaws that always draw my ire (even though I've found my favorite cookie recipe there):

1. 90% of things include cheese. Lots and lots of cheese.

2. People make bizarre substitutions for no apparent reason and people want to try it because they think it makes them foodies

These are actually just symptoms of the main problem, which is that the vast majority of the random bored people who make up the site's usership are completely devoid of taste or sense. If there is any way that the apostrophized plural becomes acceptable in standard English usage, Pinterest will be to blame.

But I digress. Actually, this whole article has been a digression.

Anyways, the origins of this recipe are apparently Weight Watchers, or some other fraudulent support organization. The aim of using cauliflower rather than flour was to cut out the carbohydrates and gluten in the recipe that make pizza crust so delicious and yet so invariably fatal in the first place. As I sympathize with the gluten free crowd, I can't knock them for wanting a nice pizza crust recipe, but my ongoing irritation with the posted recipes is that people who don't have gluten allergies insisted on cutting out the flour while complaining about second degree burns received when their crust dissolved in their hands.

Flour is a great binding agent, so I added it back to the recipe. It also makes the recipe taste wonderful, gives it a firmer texture, and absorbs the moisture of the cauliflower, which means  you don't have to squeeze it in a teacloth and accidentally get water all over the young child who's always playing near your feet with glass or rusty things he found under the stove.

Also, I scaled back the amount of cheese and egg demanded by the bloggers - one person, who was clearly a jerk anyways, called for 2 goddamn cups, which her pictures show had clearly incinerated in the oven. Use flavorful, dry cheese, not tons of it.

Also, some other crank claimed you needed 2-3 eggs, which is insane since you're  not making omelet pizza.

A word of warning: the operation is a two stepper.

1. Construct and bake the crust

2. Load and rebake the pizza.

Since I trust you know how to make tomato sauce, add cheese, etc., I'll just give instructions on the crust.

Apologies for lack of pictures, we immediately devoured the pizza. If you want to visualize it, take a few seconds to imagine a pizza, then continue reading.

Ingredients
1 cauliflower
1/2-2/3  cup shredded pungent cheese (I used emmental and a touch of pecorino for its sheepy sharpness)
1 egg
1 cup flour
2 tsp or more salt
pepper
1 tsp basil

THE STEPS
1. Chop up and boil your cauliflower until it smushes nicely with a potato masher. Mash it as much as you like, if it's smoother it'll have fewer protrusions to burn in the oven.

2. Preheat the oven to 425

3. Add the rest of the ingredients, saving the flour for last. Mix it in until it's a nice paste (you may need more or less than a cup, but 1 cup is a good estimate for most cauliflowers.), then spread it over a piece of baking paper in whatever crust shape you like. A thicker crust is less likely to burn or fall apart, so I'd say make it at least 1/2 inch. (Like you know what that looks like by eyeballing.) Smooth the edges and stick it in the oven when it's hot enough, perhaps making a little dam around the edge for your ingredients to make it look like your crust rose, much like McDonald's does with its wretched compressed pork product sandwich, the McRib.

4. Bake for about 12 minutes, turn, then bake another 12. The crust should be golden brown and might bulge in the middle. This is good since it means it's holding together.

5. Remove crust, add pizza ingredients, then reinsert for another 5-10 minutes.

Voila. 1 hour and you've got weird vegetarian pizza that tastes pretty good.

I'm still not a convert from real crust, but this is a nice change of pace if you're feeling pudgy. 

Persian Pomegranate Walnut Chicken Stew and Spiced Rice

Even with the crazily broad range of things we experiment with  in our kitchen, such as letting an 18 month old beat his own scrambled eggs, there are times when we hit ruts. "Doro Wat again?!" Tam will pout sadly into her plate. For the  most part, we fall back on certain recipes because they are easy, cheap, delicious, or in season (which is a matter of special concern in the winter time in Beirut), or just because we were thinking of the country in which they are popular.

It's on this last point that we've sadly been neglecting Persian food. (Sidenote: thanks to our awesome landlord, we are also now curling our toes on a freshly lent old Persian carpet).  Though one tends to hear a lot about Iran in the news here in Beirut, the non-political aspects of Persian culture tend to slip one's mind due to the fact that there is a real paucity of actual Persian people here. I'll not speculate on the reasons behind this, but suffice to say that many Persians and Turks still seem to hold rather unflattering views about the lands of "Arabistan" that are more bound to stereotype than reality.

Of course, at times through history, Persia was roughly equivalent to the Asian version of 18th century France. Their smooth, rather cutesy language was the patois of the obnoxiously cultured, their luxurious artisanal goods ubiquitous, and their fine dining contagious. The meze consisting of small dishes of vegetable and pulse appetizers so closely associated with Eastern Mediterranean cuisine nowadays had their origins in the Persian east, and were readily adopted by the Farsophile Turkish tribes in Anatolia, the Arab Mediterranean, and even Greece and Cyprus. Tapas? The thought at least owes some credit to the guys who sat on their stolen Peacock Throne, but  not much, because Tapas are terrible.

Because this is so different from anything I usually cook, I have to give credit where it's due. However, I've made a few improvements on the recipe to give it some richness, so I feel less bad about posting my version.

Be sure to check out the aromatic "pilau" recipe linked in the original recipe, which is a nice starch pairing that this obscenely rich dish desperately needs. (That's the first time I've used "aromatic" unironically in a long time). I'll give my own version as well, but just because I know some of you don't know how to operate hyperlinks. I cannot claim that this is in any way authentic, because, you know, I'm not Persian, but it's damn good. And pretty terrible for you. .

If you have good Lebneh or Greek yogurt that isn't just regular yogurt with thickeners added to it, try that as a garnish with a sprig of cilantro. If you don't have pomegranate molasses, try melting down grape jelly and cutting it with pomegranate juice to get the sweet/tanginess of the "Dibs Roman."

Persian Pomegranate Chicken "Fesenjan"

Ingredients:

1 tbsp butter
3 tbsp olive oil
3 chicken quarters
2 big onions - finely cut in the food processor
2 cups walnuts, finely chopped in the food processor (seriously, make 'em like flour)
3 cloves garlic, crushed
2 cups water or broth
2 tbsp brown sugar or sugar in the raw
5 tbsp pomegranate molasses
1 tsp cinnamon
1 1/4 tsp turmeric
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp pepper
salt

Step 1:
Toast the walnuts in a pan on medium low heat until they start to smell nice. Don't burn them. I don't even have to tell you why that's bad. When they're done, dump them on a plate or in a bowl and set aside. When they're cool, blend them into a fine powder and set aside.

Step 2:
Blend up 2 onions finely in the food processor and set aside. Now mix the spices and the sugar into a bowl, and set that aside too.

Step 3:
Brown the chicken in a deep pan with the olive oil, searing the outside and making sure to leave some of the delectable little brown chunks in the bottom of the pan for the onion frying. Take them out when the outsides are nicely browned and set aside. Notice a pattern here? You'll be doing dishes for days.

Step 4:
Add the butter and 2 tbsp of oil to the pan, allow it to heat, then add the onions. Cook them until they're clear and most of the moisture has evaporated off of them (much like you'd do for a curry), then add the chicken and water, bring to a boil and then cover and simmer for about 20 minutes.

Step 5:
At this stage, the pot looks really gross. Pull the chicken for a moment to help you mix better, then suppress your gag reflex and add the ground walnuts, garlic spices, pomegranate molasses and sugar. Stir well and put the chicken back in. The resulting glop will remind you of when you forgot to wash your lettuce when in Mexico, but as I always say, if it looks about the same going in as it does coming out, you've probably made the right choice. Cover and turn heat to low and slow cook for another hour, stirring occasionally and salting frequently (this needs a lot of salt to balance the sweet).

Step 6:
If you'd like, pick the meat from the bones with about 15 minutes to go, which should make for easier eating.

Serve with the rice recipe below, perhaps a daub of lebneh (strained yogurt) and a sprig of cilantro.

Aromatic Rice Recipe

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups Jasmine or Basmati Rice
3 tbsp oil
3 cups water or broth
1 tbsp safflower
1 bay leaf
1 cinnamon stick
6 cardamom pods
8 cloves
1/4 tsp coriander seeds
1.4 cup raisins (yellow preferably)
salt
lemon juice

Step 1:
Fry your spices in the oil to release their flavors, then add the rice and sautee until it turns white-tan. Many people screw up their flavored rice dishes, and it's usually because they didn't fry it up first to neutralize all the starch.

Step 2:
Add water, bring to a boil and then reduce to a simmer. Cover and let it sit for about 5 minutes. Then fish out the sticks, pods, leaves and other offal that would otherwise cause a major dental catastrophe for the smartass who thinks it's cute to eat the whole spices or the clueless neophyte who doesn't know any better and who will never try anything more exotic than scalloped potatoes because of you.

Step 3:
Add the raisins and recover (adding more water if you need it), letting it cook until the steam starts to ebb. Check the firmness of the rice, adding water if needed or uncovering if it's a bit soft.

Step 4:
Taste for salt, then add a squeeze of lemon juice and let sit covered for 10 minutes, then fluff and serve.

Filipino Adobo Chicken and Fake Filipino Veggies

Since my more exotic recipes tend to get the most views, today I've decided to whore myself out to he mob and provide something from my southeast Asian repertoire. For those of you who flunked 5th grade geography, that's where the Philippines are located.

Shredded from the bone for Tam

Americans seem to know tragically little about the Philippines and their culture outside of Manny Pacquiao and Imelda Marcos' collection of between 2700 and 3000 pairs of shoes. This is especially unfortunate since we actually colonized them at one point - and isn't that how we know most of our obscure geography in the states? The Spanish-American war was actually largely started by U.S. naval actions in the Philippines, when Theodore Roosevelt, while filling in as Secretary of the Navy while his boss was gone on leave, unilaterally moved the U.S. fleet to the Philippines to attack once war was drummed up, pretty much instigating the ensuing American conquest of the Spanish colony. The upside (for the U.S.) is that Spanish fort was apparently armed with nerf weapons and the naval fleet lost only one person to heat stroke in the battle of Manila Bay.

Apart from the proliferation of Filipina nannies raising 30% of Lebanon's children, our little country has ties to the islands as well. Not surprisingly, of course, since Lebanese people wind up everywhere. Three of the Salibi (of Kamal fame) brothers made their way to the Philippines following the conquest of Cuba, where they made names for themselves as part of the U.S. medical and cultural projects in the islands. One of them actually served as an emissary to a group of Muslim Filipinos, who had resisted dealing with the conquerors, eventually winning them over AND translating the Quran into their native dialect. One of the brothers died in a Japanese internment camp, and another was carried at his funeral by General Douglas MacArthur.

Anyway, back on topic. Filipino food is an interesting mix of its cultural heritage (notably the its centuries of Spanish subjugation) and its local ingredients, which combine to form a truly vibrant and fascinating cuisine. It's got a lot of similarities to other regional fare, but lacks the flamboyance of Thai food or the measured elegance of Vietnamese. Some will love it, others despise it - Filipino food is a party in your mouth, but not everyone may be invited. I was only recently introduced to it by my parents when I was back in the states, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Today's recipe is for Chicken Adobo, which some faker on the internet claims gives it a Mexican origin. This is riotously incorrect, as Mexican Adobo (or adobado, as it's usually called) is made with red chiles and is nothing like the Filipino version apart from the fact that they're both stewed, which is where the damn word came from in the first place (etymology anyone?). So today's first lesson is don't believe everything you read online.

As a bonus, I'm including a recipe for a vegetable dish that I used as a side for this that I invented completely on the spot because I thought we needed something other than rice. It's delicious, but by no means authentic. And it's yours, so you're welcome.

ADOBO CHICKEN
oil
4 chicken quarters (skin on you pansy)
8 bay leaves
12 black peppercorns
1/2 cup low sodium soy sauce
1 cup apple cider vinegar
3 tbsp raw sugar
10 garlic cloves

That's it.

A warning, the smell of this will peel paint while it's cooking, but it miraculously condenses into a delicious, not overly acidic dish at the end with a nice sauce. Don't taste it while cooking and recoil in disgust, it's always that gross until it reduces.

1. Your one prep duty is to husk, crush and sliver your garlic and put it aside. You can crush the whole cloves against the knife blade, pull away the paper/skin, and loosely dice.

2. Heat then oil a large deep pan that you can throw a lid on, then deposit your chicken quarters face down once the pan is hot. Brown them a bit to release the flavor.

3. Unceremoniously dump the rest of the ingredients into the pot and stir to combine. Bring to a simmer then reduce heat to low and cover. Cook for about 30 minutes until the vinegar and heat make the chicken tremendously tender, then uncover and cook for about 20 minutes until the sauce reduces down to a thick goo. Adjust sugar levels according to your preference, at this stage, and voila.

Sit for 5 minutes and serve with jasmine rice. Some like to strain the sauce, but this is absurd. It's delicious with all of the flotsam, just don't eat the bay leaves, which haven't become edible since my last post.

FILIPINOISH COCONUT VEGETABLES

Again, this was inspired by whatever I had lying around in the fridge and an investigation of other Filipino recipes, so it's in no way authentic. But it's damn good.
oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 green onion, minced
1 tomato, cored, seeded and chopped
1 potato cut into steaks
1 carrot cubed
1 cup shredded cabbage
thumb sized piece of ginger cut in thin slices
6 garlic cloves, crushed and slivered
1 tbsp sweet chili sauce
1 tbsp raw sugar
1/8 cup shredded coconut
1 tsp ginger
salt
pepper
1 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp fish sauce
1/2 c coconut cream (or 2 tbsp powder and a half cup water)

Step 1:
Prep vegetables according to their description above and mix the raw sugar, coconut and ginger together in a bowl to dump in. Keep the onion and raw ginger aside and put the tomato, green onion and garlic in a bowl to add at the same time. Everything else can go in together.

Step 2.
Heat a deep pan, add the oil and then the onion and ginger and let 'em soften a bit. After a few minutes, add the tomato/green onion/garlic mixture and cook until the tomatoes start to break up and lose their liquid. Finally, add the rest of the veggies and stir fry for about 2 minutes.

Step 3
Add the sauces, coconut cream and the sugar/coconut/ginger combination, stirring to combine, then cover and simmer for about 20 minutes or until the cabbage is soft and the potatoes are done. If you need, add more coconut cream or water to prevent it from drying out and adjust the salt, sugar and pepper as needed. In lieu of salt, you can also add more fish sauce.

It should smell gloriously coconutty, be sweet and savory and go well with rice.