That, sir, is no tortilla

Is what I would say to the stack of wretched flour tortillas that pollute the 1 square foot "Mexican" section of our local supermarket - if I was a crazy person who talked out loud to food items in public, rather than merely cursing them in private. Which is totally sane, right?

Tortillas are by far the most maddening things to buy in Beirut since it costs roughly $4 to obtain 6 bland, crumbly tortillaesque discs that in the end are mostly ornamental since actually trying to eat them would ruin the delightful Mexican dinner that had taken two hours to prepare. I actually threw out one of these 70 cent disgraces after I decided that the quality was even too poor for use in a breakfast burrito.

So out of laziness and necessity - my two constant kitchen companions - I decided to make my own this week to save myself a trip of 100 yards to the store to buy real ingredients.

But frankly, I'll never go back. Once you learn what actually goes into tortillas, you'll likely never buy them again out of sheer indignation, unless you try this recipe and somehow suck at it (for shame).

Ingredients:
3 cups of flour plus more for rolling
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1/3 cup of oil (I use vegetable oil, you should use melted lard)
1 cup of very warm water

That's it.

Now check this out:

Instructions:
1. Combine the oil, water and salt in a big bowl.

2. Stir in flour to form a sticky dough.

3. Flour a flat surface and tear off 2-3 inch wads of dough, forming into a ball and coating with flour.

4. Smash down into a disk, and using a rolling pin for its intended purpose for probably the first time in your life, roll it out as round and thin as you can get it (it won't be very)

5. Set aside on a plate, repeat until the dough is gone.

6. Heat a large flat pan to high medium heat and put your first tortilla on. Wait until it starts to bubble nicely and flip after about 30 seconds more or less and repeat. Both sides should have nice, brownish to blackish contact marks where it touched the pan and look vaguely like a tortilla.

This makes about 8, and should take about 20 minutes unless you're a total spazz.